Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in shadow_master55's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
10:41 pm	come hit me up.... if any of the old readers out there are still visiting and checking up on me, hit me up on shadowmaster55, its the new blog i've had for awhile, it'll explain alot of what i've been doing for the past 8 months. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
12:17 pm	The sadness continues Falling..... Friends are falling, Friends are crying, Friends are failing, Friends are dieing. Friends are laughing, Friends are playing, Friends are living. Friends are leaving, Friends are waving, Friends are gone. Friends are everywhere, Friends are nowhere, Friends aren't here. Friends are rising, Friends are winning, Friends are near. Friends are trying, Friends are doing, Friends are strong. Friends don't fail, Friends don't die, Friends don't leave. Friends are failing, Friends are dieing, Friends are falling, Friends are dieing. Well, thats a little poem i had in my head for awhile, just figured i'd get it out. Btw, if ya visit raksha.tk, give her a shout out would ya? she needs more people visiting that site than just me ><.....anyway, this is basically going out to the owner of said site, for she needs to get her mind out of the damn gutter and look at what he is doing to her.......its said really.....to see one so strong, that would never fold up for anything or anyone, then when ya finally get laid, you can't help but act like a love sick pup.....its tragic......to not be able to let go....but we all have to move on.....and if you expect to make basic anytime soon...you need to tell that little mexican jack-ass to stop fucking you cause ur gonna end up pregnant and then you'll really be fucked....your almost out of the house, and then what? you can't support a kid without a house................fuck it.....why am i trying?........you never pay attention anyway.........well....if anyone random reads this....head to raksha.tk and give her a shout and let her know what ya think of the situation....just read her LJ......make sure that if you read a random one, read the one before and after it, just so it makes sense. Well, i'm out all...got a job i need to head to now......peace out. Current Mood: Friends....They fall so far... Current Music: whatever is on the radio (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
1:10 pm	And Still I Dance, The Same Old Song Plays, The Fires Of War Never Exstinguish... ^^;;;.....PSYCHE!!!!!! Got ya, heh, yes, sense of humor returns to the Kodith! *dances horribly and slams into a wall* ouch...*sees birdies* heh heh heh....i twaught i twa a tweety bwird.....*shakes his head* ack....anyway.......yes, my self-esteem is up for the moment, but it won't last long, seems i can only maintain a self-esteem 'high', if you will, for about an hour or so before i come crashing down again, and well, i think that was the last of the 'high' that i had...now its back to reality.... Anyway, I'm listening to random Kingdom Hearts Songs with a few Undertaker random remimxs and songs thrown in, really cool when put together on an MP3 by themselves. Anyway.....I'm going to be applying at Wendy's so i can get a job and start makin some money...(no, if your wondering, i haven't kept to my diet ><....can't find any frakin grapefruit!). Waiting for my grandmother to get back so i can go to a Halo 2 party and frag my friends and their dads and their friends and what not, wish me luck on that. Oh, and for those of you trying to contact me, my cell phone is in LIMBO right now, kinda lost it friday night after reaching the highschool from Silver Dollar City ^^;;;....So if ya wanna get ahold of me, call my grandmothers house, we don't get enough calls around here...frankly...ITS TOO QUIET!!!!.....i swear, if there wasn't any electronical devices or trains or trucks around, i could train my hearing to be that of an animals...course, somepeople wouldn't want me to have any more 'hidden' abilities than i already have ^^;;;......Oh yea, I think i have some strange connection with the past and future, cause i keep getting strange ideas and answers for EVERYTHING...And even I don't know where the hell i get the stuff..honestly, ask the people that know me (i.e. Raksha.tk, she needs somemore random hits and commentators). Anyway....enough with the rambling, i'm gonna jump off here (the comp. you moron....-_-)....well, c-ya later homes. Current Mood: restless Current Music: Random KH and Taker Music (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
7:40 pm	Again......We dance amongst the flames of war......... Heh....Guess it was only a matter of time before my own personal war finally returned from the grave. Starting back on the diet i was suppose to be on for awhile....kinda got off it (lost my motivation). I'm hoping to do better this time, oh, and the war....Yea.....can hardly listen to any music at night without feeling like shit, and my own demons are attacking.....sucks having only empty thoughts, false hopes, fake dreams, and this...journal to write in when harldy anyone gives a damn anyway.... I have still yet to get a job.....yea yea, i know, i'm a lazy s-o-b, good-for-nothing, ect. Call me what ya want, i don't care....nothing you say is as bad as what I do to myself mentally.....physically, i'm in good condition...emotionally.....well, lets just say that if there was a heaven or hell, that both sides would be afraid to read my emotions correctly..... 'In the midst of war, friend and foe begin to blur, and the things you started fighting for disappear, and you end up fighting for no reason at all..with only 1 thing to lose and nothing gain.....What path will you take to end it all? Will you still fight, or will you die, and becoming nothing more than a memory in false records over time?' - ????, ??????? Came to me....anyway....for anyone that knows me, give me a shout or something......just wish there was a to fully show everyone...but then again...maybe all these feelings i have are meant to be there...maybe the torture is meant to be there to keep me out of trouble......If it is....Its doing a damn good job..... The flames that burn my heart and soul remind me of my past mistakes and failures.....the retribution and accomplishments should overpower it right? Wrong, it doesn't...it doesn't even come close to making the wind even pick up to keep me cool.....Sometimes I wish that this war was over....and all I ever had to do to end it....was just say my piece and move on.....but life has been fucked up......and my life will never be the same again....during, before, or after this war is over.....I shall forever change....good or bad, we shall know in 4 years.....if i still draw breath that is...... Current Mood: discontent Current Music: 'Till We Run Out Of Road - Jewel (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
10:36 pm	well well well heh, looks like my resolve has paid off once again, or lack their of subsituted by stupidity and stuborness. I am actually having good days and able to enjoy myself, though i found that if i don't keep my mind occupied that I find myself in a depressive state of mind and wanting to kill myself, but meh, everyone has their flaws. So, this is just a shout-out to all those that somehow randomly stumble across this website, and to Jessica, the only person that trully understands what the hell i'm going through, hope your doing good. Well, i got a few more songs to download before i can fully call a quits (getting $5 off it ^^;;....<^>o_o<^>) *coughs* anyway.......hope ya'll have a good time and may things pick up, and for those of ya with good business, i hope it stays high and never falls down..but remember, 'It always darkest just before dawn.' Current Mood: good Current Music: Disturbed -Ten Thousand Fists (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
7:43 pm	wonderfully stupid Yes, as the topic suggests, i'm being wonderfully stupid now...i'm actaully going BACK and PURPOSELY hurting myself by digging up BURIED memories that i had locked away for a reason....gee, makes ya wonder how much pain the human psyche can really handle before actually picking up that razor blade.....anyway.....i might have a job, i might not.....oh well, doesn't matter to me that much.....matter of fact, i'm reverting to a cold hearted hermit again.....scary isn't it? Someone who enjoys life, wants to be free, trying to get his life on track, reverting to a cold hearted wanna-be bastard hermit just to disappear for awhile......eay for me to do, hard part is actually STAYING away....i just wanna leave, but there are too many ties, to many memories, happy and worse, too feelings, along with chains holding me down.....I wonder.......anyway....i may update again...i may not....depends if i feel like keeping the site open..... Current Mood: Life sucks...Why do we try? Current Music: Sum 41 - Pieces (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
7:40 am	first time in 5 years.... well, for the first time in five years, i've finally gotten sick, sore throat, stomach pains, headache, weakness to the point i can't move, tighten muscles, almost everything, save for the puking. I'm hopefull to return to school tomorrow, hopefull....depending on whether or not i get fuel in my truck (its currently sitting on empty)....well, thats all for now, oh, wait...yesterday is when it hit full force...i was sent home first hour with 102.4 temperature, not fun, then i sweated all last night cause of the temperature outside was 40 something, so my mom and grandmother roast the house....anwya, hopefully going back to school tomorrow.... Current Mood: sick (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
6:31 pm	update.....<^> you..... Well, shits been going decent recently, been able to actually begin fixing myself, both physically and mentally, though the scars and pain are transitioning at a faster rate than expected....My moms being a royal pain in the ass now that she has till the 7th to finish everything she needs to down here, that and I think she's pissed that i'm not moving with her to Nebraska where i would be in wide open spaces again, near a life long friend, and with a small town where i could actually be me and return to my normal self. Yea.....a place i really want to return to after all this.....but i'm staying here to finish out the sentence that I have in this state....3 QUARTERS of HS left...not about to blow 'em either, less my truck blows up, then i'll have to take the alternative and do OCT or NROTC....either one of those screws me over.....anyway, i think its time i wrote down the poems and songs i have written since my last update.... Everynight you plague me You keep me awake with your words... Those wods that Pierced directly to The bone and To my heart... You said we could never be anything Even though everyone Swore we could... You waited till I Was high on your love Then you dropped The bomb on me... I did cry, I did complain I did beg, but now I'm over you I've got someone new And soon you worried I was happy I was free You begged me back But you blew your chance And now your alone Now your scared For you've lost me When before you abused me... Now i'm free Now i'm happy Now I can trully be Me once again... Thats only the first one...i still got more to write, just putting theses little notes between them so we can all differentiate between each one. I sit And listen to The screams of You failing To bring Him around You two Were to Busy too Even notice The strain It caused on Me and my Brother... You both kept Yelling and Screaming And I kept falling Not able to take sides Not able to Save my brother Unable to save myself... I am glad its finally over But now I won't get to graduate with my friends... Instead I'll graduate with strangers... People I don't know People who are enemies already People who are obstacles Objects to block me New dangers to face New faces to meet... But I am stretched too far I'll never be the same Lost forever In the Sea of depression And fear that You both instilled Leaving me broken only able to express through broken masks and this pen whenever I get down or whenever 8:45 p.m. hits... You both kept screaming You both kept yelling Blind to how I was crumbling Blind to how I was falling Blind to everything... You wouldn't listen When I tried to talk about my problems, You told me to shove it And stop making up Stories and lies Even though it Was true... It killed me more When I found out And finally realized That i'll always Be this way... Unable to break the chains Unable to swim, forever drowning in the sea For you never taught me To swim, only to drown... I hope your happy For I am forever stuck this way... Forever and always... A failure... Yea...number two was quite long, but then again, its not the length of the song, poem, tool you use to get the message across, its how hard and deep it strikes when someone reads it, and these hit hard, no matter how much you deny it... I'm not sure if i'm gonna keep this next piece a poem or turn it into a song, its got a bit of both in it, so it makes it hard to choose...well, Here ya go.... I See Through the ashes I see everything Through the false prophets I see everything Through the political bull I see everything I see your pain I see your flaws I see your strengths You see my flaws You see my strengths You see my pain I would sacrifice everything For i see all you need I would burn and drown For I see all you want I would become false again For I see your true self You see what I need But you won't sacrifice You see what I want But you won't burn or drown You see my true self But you won't be false again I see what trully matters You see what you have been shown I see past the lies and try for the truth You see it all and soak it all I see your pain I see your flaws I see your strength You see my flaws You see my strength You see my pain I would burn and drown But you wouldn't I would become false But you won't I would change again But you could care less I see everything While you see Nothing... Well, thats the last one, as stated above it, i'm not sure to keep it a poem or turn it into a song....well, everythings been good so far, though i know those of you actually paying attention to this can pretty much see through all the bullshit i put here, but hey, we all have to try and hide right? Were all insecure in one way or another, thats what makes us unique, but in the end, everything we work for....everything we ever obtain in life....is nothing more than a mear stepping stone on the endless journey of Peace, War, and Revolution. well, thats pretty much it...guess i'll figure out how to get into my 'stare' section so i can put up the lastest pic of me.....that way you can put a face to these words of rambling and nonsense..... Current Mood: <^> Current Music: Paa Roach (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
8:32 am	Another poem post........ Well, i had nothing better to do than sit around and write it, so I did, and here is what the results where..... All the things we go through All the traisl, hardships, and pain All the victories, defeats, and draws We are still able to pull through After the hardships we face We become cold and uncaring Then when we see love We break, tearing down the wall Allowing the world we locked out back But quickly close the door from fear Fear of being hurt and destroyed like before Fear of being used, of being something important Fear of being loved, cared for, and happy We wear masks to keep people from worrying and in the end we end up like the thing we hate most Its a continuing cycle After all the thigns we go through After alll the trials, hardships and pain After all the victories, draws and defeats We still pull through But in the end Were always Alone.... Yea, a little longer than the rest and not makin much sense as usual, but it works. Now, heres something i don't normally do, and thats actually sit and write down lyrics to a song, heres a song I titled myself while writing in, here we go Choosen Though we go through life Feeling like were alone We know someone is Out there waiting For our love We walk through The light and darkness Pursued by all For we have something That they need, That we can't see, That everyone wants For we are the choosen We carry the burden We have the knowledge We have the power For we are the choosen We walk through Fire, Ice, Wind, Lighting We survive all catastrophes We reassure survival In bleakest times For we are the choosen We have the power We have the knowledge We carry the burden For we are the choosen We strive Where others fail We survive Where others die Only the strong survive? NO, the wise and strong Prevail through all the rubble We don't take life For granted Like the corporate Suits who Live in mansions Or those that live On welfare stamps and coupons Or those that think They're better For we are the choosen We have the knowledge We carry the burden We have the power For we are the choosen Well, there it is....amazing what some free time, little emotional storm, and a pad and pen/pencil will do for ya. Go ahead, try it our yourself, its actually quite relaxing....wait....did I just SAY that?!....O_O......@_@.....X_X......oook......finishing.....now..... Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
8:35 pm	Strenght, Power, Courage, Integrity....They don't add up to jack squat. Yeap, the title says it all...nothing adds up when your mother won't even admit when she needs the help and keeps trying to play a pity card over and over again that doesn't work anymore, and drives people away from her....hell, i'm her son and i feel like tellin her to fuck off and just get overherself...only thing is that for 13 years she instilled such a fear in me that i can't stand up for myself, thus i'm an easy target for people. Strength, Power, Courage, Integrity...everyone says that these make a person great, strong, and mighty...well fuck them, they lied....a person who knows no hardship is a fake, fruad, over all lieing son of a bitch that needs to die, and whoever said that can roll over in their grave and eat their own shit in hell....yes, i'm pissed, and i want to destroy...problem is my mom is currently 'living' at my grandmothers place...that brings up problems. 1. I can't have fun, 2. I'm restricted on what i do and when i do it, 3. I'm a centerpiece of anger release and ventment, 4. I don't even exist to her...so...yea....i'm basically a ghost to her at points and time, which doesn't bother me none, since i've never really given a damn about recieving prestige from her anyway....that and for 13 yrs shes basically driven me so low into the dirt that i can make myself suicidal on command. so yea, welcome to my little corner of hell on earth, glad ya'll could come. Now why don't you share your story for all the other umpteen billion here? go on, tell us your story, maybe we can compare notes and figure out how to get the world to see the fuckin damage done by DOMESTIC abuse right under their nose instead of FORIEGN TERROR ABUSE. Current Mood: F-U and have a nice day. Current Music: Somewhere I Belong-LP (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
11:29 am	Oh YEA! Job interview at Movie Gallery friday at 6 p.m., and today or tomorrow or friday i should have that money in, and i'm savin it for a 660cc Yamaha Raptor. ^^....i'm going to be extremely fast and wonderfully dumb on it ^^;;; well, i'm happy and hyper today, so excuse the mess *looks around at the distraught journal page* << >> <> ><..... Current Mood: hyper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 6th, 2005
12:22 am	pain....flames of hell......suicidal......am I cracking?? Jesus fucking christ (Screw off you christian bastards), why the hell did the night have to start like this? I'm listening to my music, chatting online when my grandfather busts in and tells me to turn my music down. Normally that wouldn't bother me, but for christ sake, i can hear the fucking TV over my music ><....I got pissed, but then it overflowed to the point where i just had to call someone (thanks jess, glad ya still talk to me), and therefore i was able to escape a stupid move on my part by talking to someone and allowing for it to get out, now, in no means am i fit to be listening to depressing music, and i'm not fit to even be writing right now, but i don't give a fuck, i just want to write, SO FUCK YOU!.....yea....I literally feel like hell has taken a page out of its old spell book and casted a spell to keep me trapped in the flames so i can't be happy like i want to be......therefore the suicidal intentions come into play, but i'm glad i got someone to turn to to get that out of the way....Am i trully cracking, maybe, i actually shed more than 4 tears (believe it might have been around 8 or 10) and now my head hurts again....i just want to live normal now that i'm 18....why the fuck can't i stay happy like other people and be able to live normal? Am i trully destined to stay in this hell hole that i've lived in for 13 years? I don't want to be here anymore....someone save me...please? 'I Stand in darkness once more as the ashes of the life I thought I had turn burn and fall around and on my skin, bringing back the pain and memories that I had thought long forgotten. I stand at the crossroads once more, scared to move in any direction for fear of screwing up and making that fatal move towards deaths awaiting arms.' Heh, thats me for ya, always coming up with wierd stuff....i just hope that i can handle the weight to finish off the last year of highschool in buffalo, if not, i've got the escape to Branson with a friend for a few months if i can't handle it between now and school starting....Thanks Jess, and thank Mav for the offer, it will defianetly be starred in my mind so i don't do anything stupid like pikcing up the knives in the kitchen and using them on my wrists.....maybe i can re-open the surgical scars and see what the bones look like......*shakes his head* ook...i'm gonna stop now before i actually do pull a dumbass move and just sit in darkness listening to my music......and hopefully i can stay awake till 3......maybe i'll find a game to play or something....i don't know....... 'The signs of a warrior cracking are more obvious than the signs of a person who has endured pain and hatred for half their lives. The iceberg of problems and emotional storm they stand on and surround themselves with is strong enough to rival the most viscious in history, for they are the ones that have the intentions and motivation to fully carry out their plans of destruction or revitalization against the planet and its occupants....For nothing can stop one motivated by an emotional fire that strong...' Current Mood: and sad Current Music: anything that i have that isn't depressing (Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
8:45 am	RIP 7/22/05 just recieved the news.....a part of my family has died today....his name is Bullet, a Barrel racing champion (forgot how many times he was ><), he was the kindest animal there ever was..he was friendly and gentle, but arragont and strong at the same time....he was a leader around other animals, and wasn't afraid to show it...We'll always miss you and love you Bullet....You were and always will be a part of this family no matter what..... Current Mood: sad Current Music: Nothing is good enough for a majestic horse (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
12:41 am	New Attitude, New Approach...Life is looking up.....kinda Well, i got some much needed theme music to help boost my moral. That and i'm able to maintain a natural high almost, scary when ya think about it cause i'm always depressed, so what caused this? Well, its a revelation you might say (no..Not THAT revelation, god had nothing to do with this, the lazy bum) about my life and that the roadblocks keeping me from being happy were none other than the fears i had about life, so i simply lifted my head high, said fuck it, and started moving forward with a big grin, happy attitude, and now i'm trying to maintain it....who knows, the key element might be something some might not really even consider a trigger...waking yourself up in the morning in a nice warm shower....now, before you ask, YES I DO SHOWER!!!......moving along.....showers normally kept me awake enough to get through the day, then it hit me how much it left off my chest and now i'm maintaining that high, so wish me luck, and watch out world, cause here I come bitches! Current Mood: Hell YEA! Current Music: WWE-Christian Theme Music (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
11:13 pm	Trucks, Girls, Life in general.....WTF is going on!? uh.......yea...........WTF is going on in todays world? well, my pickup defiantely has a waterleak somewhere (hopefully head gasget) and should be repaired before next week (i hope *prays*)....oook, girls...uhm...self explanatory i believe.....Life.....well, what has happened here? it seems that the entire world was on the verge of recorvery then BAM.....we said fuck it and hit the decline.....can noone make up their damn minds of how to handle the situation?! fuck taxing the poor and poverty, TAX the RICH...here that BUSH? TAX THE STINKING FILTY RICH!!!!!!!! THEY HAVEN'T HAD A TAX SINCE....*searches history logs*.........crap.......uhm.......bye? *takes off running* FREEDOM OF SPEECH LIVES ON! Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 11th, 2005
10:24 pm	PUPPY!!!!!!....err....wait......WHAT THE........ Well...this is interesting....not only did I end up going down to clinton, Mo to pick up my grandmother and her pooch, but came back with a border colly/lab mix. She is so cuute too...wait....did I just say that? ><;;......uhh...her name is Baby Joe.....and she is 9 weeks or 3 months old, forget ^^;;.....anway, write more later...peace! Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)
Monday, June 6th, 2005
10:06 pm	Understanding I just finished watching TROY, and man is it a good movie. Well, I take to heart what the characters say in every movie that I watch, for you never know when what a movie character says will have an impact on someone elses life through your mouth. Well, listening to Brad Pitt (Yes...I actually paid attention while he talked...) gave insight to alot of doubt I have in my life, and well, lets just say that at the end of the movie something inside me just said FUCK IT and brought me to this mood i'm in, which isn't in the moods list, its called COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING, and right now, that state is what i'm in, and I understand everything that i've been through and I know see where I fucked up, how I could have changed it, and how I can trully avoid other circumstances. Lets just say that if I were able to stay like this permanently, well, I don't think people would still be giving my problems, and i don't think i'd have alot of problems in my life. Well, here ya have it, the mood thats the goal for everyone to achieve, no matter how hard, it is achieveable. Kody Current Music: NA (Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
9:15 pm	old emotions great.....more pain to go ontop of everything i'm dealing with......i'm currently re-vamping my mind (meaning i'm going through and destroying the lies and fake memories) so that I can think clearly and be a (hopefully) less depressed individual.....among this process (which is barely 1/4th complete) I have run-across old memories and feelings for people i though long since dead, but the pain is still there, and i feel it will be harder now than ever to keep the pain from making me do something stupid, but hey, i'm just a confused individual anyway, whats another statistic on the depression list for the goverment to keep pushing parents to send them to psychs and loonie bins to waste money? the goverment doesn't care, they'd rather lock us up and throw away the key.........sorry, ramble......oh well.......just wanted to say that these old emotions burn just as if i had recieved them not too long ago..bad part about being what I listed in my bio page, but hey, everyones got there own problems....guess mine just seemed to be so insignificant that people think I make 'em up, can't blame them, they got enough on their plate, why deal with a teen thats confused?......anyway, write more later..... Current Mood: fuck life...... Current Music: various between Papa Roach, PL, Bon Jovi, S.O.A.D. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
12:54 am	Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith hmm.....well, went and say the movie, it was ok. have to go for round 2 to really get everything considering my glasses are broke and that a group of STARWARS NOOBS (yes, they are still alive damnit! ><) were right behind my row of seats.......so...save up money, go for round 2, get entire story line right, then just wait for directors collector edition to come out...... (Comment on this)
Friday, May 13th, 2005
7:04 pm	Paying the price in full Jesus what have I done.....all because I got an anxiety attack and got scared from just hearing them yell at eachother.....god danmit i'm a fool....why couldn't I control it, just write it off as a fake memory......why the fucking hell did it escape today of all days??? now i've got to rebuild all over again, but atleast now I have a better understanding of what is going on...right?.............fuck no.....i've got no understanding anymore......nothings right anymore.......god forgive me for my sins......what the hell......asking god for forgiveness....i turned from that road.......man i'm so fucking confused at the moment.......sorry everyone......limiting myself comp access till next school year, have fun and don't do what I did before getting the truth......... Current Mood: Why couldn't I keep it in chec Current Music: LP-Various Songs (Comment on this)